Pada dua tahun lepas, seluruh dunia dikejutkan dengan berita kematian penyanyi dan penulis lagu kumpulan K-Pop, SHINee iaitu Kim Jong-hyun atau lebih dikenali sebagai Jonghyun. Selebriti yang berusia 27 tahun ketika itu bertindak mengambil nyawanya sendiri pada 18 Disember 2017.
Menurut laporan media tempatan, Jonghyun ditemui dalam keadaan tidak sedarkan diri di kediamannya. Difahamkan, adiknya mula rasa tidak sedap hati apabila menerima pesanan daripada penyanyi itu yang seakan-akan mengucapkan selamat tinggal lalu melaporkan perkara itu kepada pihak polis.
Sebaik sahaja menerima laporan itu, pasukan perubatan bergegas ke rumah Jonghyung dan terus melakukan CPR ke atasnya. Jonghyun bagaimanapun disahkan meninggal dunia sebaik sahaja tiba di hospital.
Menerusi siasatan pihak polis, arang yang ditemui di dalam bilik selebriti itu sekali gus menjawab persoalan mengenai punca kematian Jonghyun.
Sehari selepas kematiannya, rakan baik kepada mendiang iaitu Dear Cloud Nine9 tampil mendedahkan surat terakhir yang dititip oleh penyanyi itu kepadanya sebelum dia temui mati.
Jonghyun telah meninggalkan surat itu kepada Dear Cloud Nine9 dan memintanya untuk mendedahkan isi yang dicoretnya kepada umum sekiranya dia (Jonghyun) meninggal dunia.
Berikut adalah surat terakhir yang ditulis oleh mendiang Jonghyun:
I am broken from the inside. The depression that slowly gnawed away at me has finally swallowed me whole. And I could not defeat it.
I detested myself. I grabbed my disjointed memories and yelled at them to pull themselves together but was met with no response. If I can’t help myself breathe properly it’s better to stop breathing at all. I asked myself who was responsible for me.
Only I. I was utterly alone. It’s easy to talk about the end. It’s hard to actually end. I lived until now because of that difficulty. I told myself I wanted to run. Yes, I wanted to run. From myself. From you. I asked who was there. It was me. It was me again. And it was me yet again.
I asked why I kept losing my memories. It was because of my personality. I see. So it’s all my fault in the end. I wanted people to notice but no one did. They’ve never even met me so of course, they don’t know I exist.
I asked why they live. They just live, just live on. If you ask why I die I would answer I am exhausted. I have suffered and pondered. I never learned how to turn this exhausting pain into bliss.
Pain is just that, pain. They scolded me not to do this. Why? Why can’t I even end things the way I want to?
They told me to find out why I hurt. I know too well. I hurt because of me. It’s all my fault and all because I’m lacking. Doctor, is this what you wanted to hear? No. I have done nothing wrong.
When the gentle voice blamed my personality I thought, ‘Damn, being a doctor is easy.’ It’s so odd that it hurts so much. People who have it worse than me live fine, people who are weaker than me carry on fine. Maybe that’s not true. There’s no one alive that’s got it worse than me or is weaker than me.
But I should live on anyway. I keep asking myself why I should hundreds of times and it’s not for my own good. It’s for yours. Please don’t say a word if you don’t understand. Find out why I’m hurting? I told you why. Is it so wrong to hurt so much because of that, do I need to have a more dramatic reason? A more specific reason?
I told you already. Were you not listening? Things you can overcome don’t scar you for life. Clashing with the world was never meant for me. The life of fame was never meant for me. That’s all the reason why it hurts. Because I’m famous. Why did I choose this? It’s so funny. It’s a wonder I lasted so long.
What can I say? Just tell me I’ve done well. That this is good enough. That I’ve worked hard. Even if you can’t smile don’t fault me on my way. You did well, you worked hard. Goodbye.
Sesungguhnya, kemurungan dan tekanan itu bukanlah sesuatu yang boleh dipandang remeh. Sekiranya anda tergolong dalam kalangan mereka yang derita penyakit kemurungan, anda boleh berkongsi masalah atau dilema yang dihadapi kepada para sukarelawan terlatih di Befrienders, sebuah badan NGO yang menyediakan khidmat sokongan emosi 24 jam sehari dan 7 hari seminggu.
Befrienders boleh dihubungi di talian 03-7956 8145/8144 atau e-mel kepada [email protected] untuk bantuan. Butiran lanjut mengenai Befrienders di negeri-negeri lain boleh didapati di laman sesawang Befrienders.
